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The honest guide to finding the master of your dreams

Writing this article was more complicated than usual – and surely harder than the previous one, in which I suggested erotically submissive men the best strategies to win the heart of a dominatrix. In fact, when I closed it announcing the inevitable integration for their female colleagues I was thinking of a new list of suggestions, nothing exceedingly complicated… but my every attempt at compiling it failed rather miserably. At least, until I admitted the truth of the matter: when we talk about women hunting for a master, the issue must be completely revised.

Before getting to that, however, I have a few recommendations for you. First of all, please go reread the article addressed to males, because it contains many suggestions that remain valid in this case too. Then, keep in mind that this guide is mostly aimed at those seeking a long-term partner. And above all, be cool: if by any chance you feel overwhelmingly offended by the use of heterosexual and cisgendered forms, don’t waste your time on useless criticisms and prove you are smart enough to adapt these examples to your preferred combination of gender and roles. Ready? Let’s go, then!

…Almost. Actually, I have to pose my readers a key question first. Perchance, aren’t you here because you are hoping to find your very own Christian Grey?
Please answer truthfully and without shame: after all, there are hundreds of millions of women smitten by that character, and it is no secret that many of them approached BDSM inspired by Mrs. James’ books.

If you are among them, I have a bad news for you. Your perversions have nothing to do with domination: it is merely a money fetish, without which a true BDSM relationship wouldn’t make you very happy. Oh, and if you are now feeling outraged and thinking that no, you love Christian for his personality… it’s even worse. In fact, Mr. Grey has been diagnosed with all the traits typical of a sociopath, so you’d better enter therapy to cure your unhealthy attraction toward very dangerous people.

Now, if you are still with me let’s talk about the cause of that hangup I mentioned in the first paragraph. Fact is, the approach to dating is radically different between men and women – even when BDSM is involved.
This largely depends on the assumption that, in the context of sex, women are more desirable than men. This idea derives from essentially obsolete historical, biological and social premises, but popular culture and mass media keep pushing them with such insistence that we tend to forget even evidence. After all, in our case of heterosexual couples the females wanting a man are just as many as the males looking for a woman… and yet the general perception is very different.
People just disregard how surveys measure a slight female prevalence among those with an erotically submissive orientation. The truth of the matter is that for a man it is relatively normal to suffer for months or even years without getting acknowledged by one possible mistress, whereas any woman is swamped by hundreds of offers as soon as she makes herself available, or even dares to publish a personal ad.  

Such disparity hugely influences the rules of the game. Therefore, an aspiring sub will obviously have to follow the same suggestions given to her male colleagues to make herself appealing, but her goal isn’t really to be noticed, but merely rejecting an enormous amount of undesirable partners. Let’s see how.


Present yourself as a person
We are talking about steady relationships here, but even if you were interested just in an occasional hookup or if you had a special preference for games where you get degraded, your first order of business should be to discourage those who see you only as disposable flesh. After all, after you are done with any particular game everyone loves and has the right to be respected.
Both online and in live meetings (munches, parties, various events…) a very effective strategy to keep assholes away is to make clear you are not a soulless doll but a real person with a life beyond BDSM. And you don’t have to act haughtily for that, on the contrary!

The best course of action is actually to make nice conversation to get to better know each other: you don’t want to end up in the hands of a stranger, after all, do you? Put off the erotic talk and focus on those topics you’d discuss with your regular friends. Studies, hobbies, the very important family status – just not to find out months later that your dream master was married with three children – reads, travels… subjects like these will make anyone looking for a quick lay run for his life, and will fascinate instead those who see you as a possible partner even out of the dungeon.


No, seriously: present yourself as a person
I recently read that women on dating websites judge 85% of the male users ‘below average appeal’. Since this is mathematically impossible, the problem isn’t really with people per se, but in their attitude which often mimics a handful of sad stereotypes considered normal in that context. But are you sure you are not sabotaging yourself in the very same manner? Stereotypes after all are true even for women, and some of them are truly insufferable. For example…

«Good slavegirls  have no will of their own» – Just like that Anastasia Steele, if you know what I mean, who however also is as seductive as an amoeba. Or like the many subs who keep mute, still and answer monosyllabically when they are engaged. Just don’t be surprised if you are ignored by thinking men, though.

«I am pretty, so I am entitled to everything» – That attitude was ludicrous in fourth grade already. Besides the fact that your idea of beauty probably doesn’t look very much like the one of the guy you’d like to get, you are now living in an environment full of people who are just as pretty, or prettier, than you and much nicer too. You can’t even imagine how many supposed models I have seen sulking in a corner while their less aesthetically pleasing friends were having the time of their lives.

«I exist. So now prove yourself worthy!» – Er… why, exactly? I swear I have never understood those demanding the world and yet not revealing anything about themselves. Such an approach only attracts two kinds of people: the terminally insecure victims of a Casanova syndrome and the desperates who have been already bounced by everyone else. Are you sure you want to end up with such fellows?


Reject incompetent “dominants”
What does your ideal master look like? Besides sharing your preferences, he probably knows a thousand very arousing games; he can guess what you are thinking and what you wish; he is, as the saying goes, ‘stern but just’. In this case I have the proverbial good and bad news for you.

The good one is that all of the above characteristics are not innate, but they are learned by approaching BDSM just like any other field – that is to say, studying it. The bad one is that, if you don’t want to study, you will never develop them. And, unfortunately, the world is full of guys who believe that raising their voices and furrowing their brows is enough to call themselves dominant.
This doesn’t mean to exclude from your pool of potential partners those who, for whatever reason, haven’t built a lot of experience already: an open and curious mind is worth more than decades of obtusely-performed practices after all. On the other hand, it is advisable to keep well away from those impervious to knowledge. If they aren’t humble enough to fancy themselves as scholars, it is unlikely that they will be very open to your needs – not to mention the potential dangers that come with such attitude.

And how can you spot these unpleasant people? That’s easy: just ask them where did they learn their skills. Or ask them to attend together any event involving possible comparison with other people, such as a party, a bondage workshop or whatever. Their reaction will be telling indeed.


Think beyond the sessions
Those looking for a BDSM relationship instead of a common one are clearly interested in experiencing all the interesting games described in kinky novels and websites. Problem is, once your instincts are satiated your partner is going to remain around – and if his only qualities (and yours) are limited to riding crops and bondage you are going to get fed up of each other pretty soon.

From your point of view you’d be smart to cultivate and offer – besides a wonderful personality, of course – some truly useful skills in a docile companion. For example you might learn to do relaxing massages, to cook delicious dainties, to become (by your choice, not for social imposition) a black belt in home economics, and so on.
It is however equally important to choose a partner whose interests go beyond mincing you in the bedroom, and whose dominance also expresses as helping you grow as a person, supporting and guiding you in fulfilling your ambitions.


Don’t settle for anything less than you desire
Once you have finally set your sights on someone actually interesting and valid, there will come the time to enter the so-called ‘negotiation’ phase. Not as in the awful farce of the 50 Shades contract, but simply a honest conversation about your mutual preferences, limits, needs and so on.
The chance to meet the perfect partner on your first try is – just like in “normal” dating – pretty slim, but remember: you have almost infinite opportunities at your disposal. Therefore it becomes important not to content yourself with anything less: this is a fundamental concept I wrote a whole article about, and which I strongly suggest you to read.


Excepting those particular cases that may benefit from a personal coaching approach, these were all my suggestions. Re-reading them you once again notice how the supposed gender differences are actually way fuzzier than we use to think, isn’t it? At the end of the day, we are all simply… persons, sharing more characteristics than differences.
So, whatever your gender, role, inclination or preference, the one thing left for me to do is to wish you to meet the right person or persons to explore the curious world of extreme eroticism together with, to your full satisfaction.
Oh, and if this article will prove useful about it, let me know how it went, ok?  

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Interesting, huh?

Interesting, huh?

I'm glad you like this article. This website contains many more - as well as books, podcasts and videos, helpful for enjoying unusual sexualities in a more conscious, ethical and fun way.


However, if you are struggling in this area right now, remember that as a coach I can help you achieve the happiness you deserve. My experience is at your service to work out together the most effective way to overcome any difficulty.

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