I launched this website in July 2003, after years of activity as a peon user on a number of BDSM-related websites. I have since become a personal coach helping people overcome their kinky issues, but even back then there was one question I was asked over and over and which, amazingly, I just noticed I never addressed in writing. «How can I find the dominant partner I long so much to play with?»
This is usually asked by someone who has been seeking for years already, to no avail. They are disappointed, desperate and demoralized, so I have probably been making them a great disservice all along.
Well, guess what. It is time to make amends. You are finally going to get your answer – but you probably won’t like it.
Due to their sheer predominance, let’s start by addressing the male petitioners, saving the aspiring female slaves for the next article. Before you jump up in arms, offended by my heteronormativity, remember we are supposed to be all adults here, and I am taking for granted you can adapt the information to whatever gender combination you can think of.
Without further ado, the first key point prospective submissives have to consider is the true object of their quest. Are you truly, really, seriously certain you are indeed looking for that elusive 24/7, total power exchange enslavement the vast majority of hopefuls are so lyrically waxing about? I mean, I know where that is coming from for we all have been there, but this is the right time to close all those erotic websites for a moment. Now have a nice old wank to blow off the arousal that is probably clouding your judgment, then get back here with a clearer mind.
Did you do that? Cool, because you are now thinking with your head instead of your dick and the prospect of serious slavery – no matter how erotic you envision it – isn’t as appealing as before. Unless you are one of the few diehard power subs out there (and we’ll get to them later), you are now reconsidering. My bet is that you treasure your downtime, for example, or the possibility of pursuing a career of your choice. You probably like having vanilla friends, or deciding what to eat, how to dress or listening to your music instead of Mistress’. Because, let’s face it, forsaking that is also part of the deal in the kind of relationship depicted in most BDSM porn. Also, I kinda suppose you don’t really feel like aching for the whip marks and punishments inflicted by your owner every single day of the rest of your life.
So let’s reframe your endeavor. What you most probably are really looking for is “just” a dominant play partner to have fun with when you both fancy that. There is no shame in this, but it immediately becomes somewhat easier to achieve. I am a very strong proponent of not settling for anything less than what you really desire, mind you, but this down to earth approach will serve you very well in other areas too. For example, it helps you realize that most flesh-and-blood people don’t really look like the photoshopped or carefully video edited dominatrixes of your erotica, and that not even them actually dress in fetish attires and ultra-high stiletto heels all the time, much less they permanently inhabit dramatically spectacular torture dungeons. If you can swallow this bittersweet truth, though, you are going to find out that the one actually important feature you are aiming for is mental affinity: a shared vision of whatever excites you both – which is surprisingly easier to find.
«But, Ayzad! I do in fact want to live the scenarios I see in BDSM porn with all of their glitter and perfection!» I hear you crying. And that’s perfectly fine, of course. But for that there are much better alternatives to pursuing a full-time relationship. Just like it isn’t advisable to go all out and take permanent residence on a boat if you merely fancy a taste of the high seas, there are excellent cruise liners – ahem, professional dominatrixes – who for a reasonable price can cater to all of your glitzy fantasies providing the looks, places, attires and toys with none of the hassle that come with having to steadily manage them. In fact, they exist precisely to fulfill that kind of high-flying fantasies, let you go back home satisfied and tend to more realistic goals in your day-to-day life.
Now, even having taken care of the above fundamentals, the question remains of where to find and how to hook up with a sensible, passionate dominant woman. Let me sum up what I learned from my years of observation, then.
Look around you first
Seriously: unless you are single, just talk with your current partner, for chrissakes! So many people assume she won’t be interested or will react negatively to your kinks, but that’s the person you chose to spend your time and life with, so where is the sense in not sharing something so close to your heart with her? Sense is the key factor here: even if you are a whips and bondage guru, of course you don’t want to shock her with an overwhelming, sudden coming out – nor you need to take it ultra-slowly with months of tiny, imperceptible hints. Just say you find BDSM arousing and that you’d love to experiment a few things with her and you’ll be fine. Maybe read a good kink manual together, and definitely do not impose your fantasies on her: the name of the game is exploring together and allowing yourself to be surprised.
Get up and go out
The Internet is a wonderful place full of marvels and opportunities, but the real world is even more so. For the moment, limit your online search to finding the closest munches, parties, workshops and other kinky events. Then go there: it’s where a sizeable part of the dominant women living in the area already are anyway, and since relationships happen between people and not online avatars, showing up will dramatically shorten the time required to meet them and see whether you like each other. Not to mention the added bonus of meeting other kinksters and learning from them, of course.
Be the prey, not the hunter
Ok, so you didn’t meet anyone you fancied at the above gatherings. It happens. While you wait for the next one, it is time then to actually go back online to seek your mistress – but not in the obnoxious way so many clueless men do. Pestering every vaguely dommish and female-sounding name you stumble upon with a generic, copy&paste message will get you nowhere, or worse. Seriously, they have read it all already since they were 13, and they are getting at least fifteen similar emails a day: the only reaction you can obtain is to be blacklisted forever.
What you want is to be found, coveted and conquered instead. Which, unfortunately, requires work – but hey, weren’t you the guy who swore he’d lick her apartment floor clean every other day? I promise this will be easier and way more fun.
Polish your image
And I don’t mean putting a shinier dick pic in your profile here. Actually, if I really have to spell it out for you, remove them now. From this moment on, your foremost thought shall be ‘how can I make myself more desirable for her?’, and that means for a start to become presentable if you aren’t already.
First thing first, dust off your gym subscription, stop eating/gorging on junk food, get a nice haircut and go shopping for good clothes. Then work on your attitude.
The most frequent complaint among women is that «there are no real men around anymore». But here’s the catch: they are not referring to the same idea of ‘real man’ you probably have developed in a lifetime of exposure to entertainment stereotypes, improbable fitness ideals, porn and juvenile locker room talk. The overwhelming majority of ladies couldn’t care less about six-pack abs and your supposed seductive prowess. They are actually looking for an adult, reliable, articulate and polite partner who is also possibly trustworthy and fun – and who could blame them?
However, for you this means to start acting like an actual grownup. Curb your slacking, get a proper job providing a sensible salary, forget the toxic “bro” (or “lads”, depending on your continent) pseudo-culture, then google what etiquette actually means and learn its rules. Doing so will firmly put you in the top 5 percentile of eligible partners – BDSM and otherwise. Only now you can turn your attention back to online dating.
All the work you have done so far is enough to earn you more Tinder dates than you’ll ever need, but no: you had to make it hard for yourself, didn’t you? On top of that you also want to belong to an exceptional dominatrix, so you must be a similarly exceptional slave to catch her interest. In this time and age this means having a captivating Internet presence. Choose a respectable online name, pick a couple of recent pictures of yourself for your profile (no need to post your face everywhere, but choose something allowing your viewers to have a realistic idea of what you look like. And again: no unsolicited dick pics, ever!) and open a free account on Fetlife and on any local BDSM-oriented community website. Write a succinct but informative profile, listing in a clear and honest way who you are, your experience, likes and dislikes, and who you are looking for. Remember I said ‘honest’: don’t lie about anything, and especially your relationship status – respect your potential partners, and let them like you for who you are instead of a hard-to-keep-up fantasy.
The last step is to be intelligent. You don’t have to become a sapiosexuality black belt, but politeness, good grammar and staying out of online squabbles will give you an advantage over most competition. Contribute to the discussions with your insights, opinions and questions – but before publishing anything take a moment to ask yourself whether your words present you as a decent, dignified and interesting fellow or not. Above all, refrain from droning about how your evil fate is depriving you of a mistress: lots of wannabe subs do that, and it gets old very, very soon. Infrequent, friendly and honest requests on the line of «I’d really love to try practice X: would anyone like to explore that with me?» will yield far better results. If you can offer any additional special skill («I love being a playpiercing subject»; «My dream is to serve as a butler»…), I promise you will reap more session requests than you can handle.
Finally, keep going to those munches and events, and with a modicum of patience you are bound to find the perfect person to click with.
There. That’s the answer you were looking for. I warned you it would be more complicated than expected, but hey: isn’t it better to work meaningfully toward your goal than stalling into an ineffective cycle of dissatisfaction?
Now take your time to digest all of the above, and if it still looks overwhelming tomorrow contact me for personal coaching: I am here to help you achieve your kinky goals, after all.