Peeking in the folder where I save the most embarrassing products I stumble on during my online searches, I realized I had collected enough oddities for a new post for Don’t buy it! – the series where I present the best of the worst sex toys. If you haven’t read the previous posts you can find them here, here and here. Otherwise let’s dive right into it with…
Splorch ovipositor ($102)
Have you ever had a wet dream imagining you fornicated with giant insects or xenomorph aliens? Well… Me neither, actually. But there are people getting aroused by these things out there, and they need specific dildos. Like this one, to be filled with gelatin eggs (which you make yourself, following the included recipe) and milked like a baking syringe to get impregnated among an abundance of goo. To satisfy everyone, there are two ovipositor variants and eight colors, including “supernatural glow”. Enjoy the demo…
Deranged tech (free)
Do you need a bit of rest to recover from the shock already? Ok, we can distract ourselves with a series of free smartphone apps of rare sadness. This is a genre I already wrote about in the past and which include a couple of pretty clever pieces too, but which usually offers questionable experiences like…
iFrench Kiss – aka “the makeout test”. You grab your phone, smooch it all over and after a few seconds you get a grade. A random one, of course, but it doesn’t really matter: those who download this app are automatically banned from the human race and they won’t kiss anyone until the end of times. What’s worse, however, is that there is another app to train your tongue…
Pokin’ – the tragic copulation analyzer, recording their length, intensity and loudness. The data are then published on a freely-accessible website, to be mocked on a global scale. This is how we know, for example, that the “better” lasting Pokin’ users are the Japanese – with a shocking average of three minutes and thirteen seconds. And you wondered why the high suicide rate…
Smartbod (prototype) – This biofeedback-enabled vibrator actually proves that applying IT to fake dongs could even make sense. These sex hackers invented an artificial intelligence to adapt the vibe’s behavior according to the body reactions. It won’t be in stores for a few more months, after which we’ll finally learn whether it was a great idea or the beginning of Skynet.
Scroguard ($19.99)
Going back to more concrete items, these comfy rubber underpants have been available for a few months already, clearly to be worn along with a traditional condom. The concept is to avoid any and every possibility of catching a sexually transmitted disease – at least until you do something as reckless as touching the partner, I suppose.
Bloxers ($29.99 )
Seriously, erotic paranoia is limitless, as proved by this other invention. This is a sort of bag you tie on your waist and leg, to be worn under your boxers. It is meant to tuck your penis into, so that any unwanted erections stay trapped and not visible through your trousers. Now please reread the last sentence and try imagining the kind of person who feels the need to buy this item, and what his life can be. Then repeat focusing on the actual inventor.
The Handie ($ 100 )
A possible great buddy for the Bloxers guy would be the mind behind this techno-glove. At first sight it looks perfect for cosplaying as Hellboy. Then you notice those disturbing bulges, which happen to be: a vibrator, a squeezable lube dispenser and a soft orifice-shaped sleeve ending with a spermcatcher. Terminal optimists looking for a bright side in everything can console themselves knowing that this horror is manufactured both for right and left handed persons.
Vajankle ($249 for the pair)
You might remember a similar object from a previous Don’t buy it!, where I noticed how it appeals more to Cronenberg fans than to actual foot fetishists. But if that one was rather stylized, the mutant Vajankle foot comes from a company specializing in hyperrealistic sex dolls, and looks like something dr. Frankenstein might have built from corpses chunks. Is abstract better, then? I’m not so sure, because online I also found the…
Femme Foot Fatale ($41)
…which is to say the truly unpleasant plastic variant, roughly sculpted by a very cross-eyed artist. Who thought to make things more interesting by adding a large pralinated anal plug on the ankle. I’m so glad I’m not a psychologist, or who knows what I could think of it…
Oppai Other ($37)
Fact is, sex toys designers often have a rather skewed perception of human anatomy. Let’s take this item for example: this is one of those masturbation silicon sleeves found everywhere in Japanese sex shops. Since the sensations they offer is clearly quite standard, manufacturers create countless novelty variations to entice every taste – such as this one, for guys into big boobs. No big deal… until you discover that the hole is oriented in a way you are supposed to penetrate it through the sternum. I’m seriously thinking of sending them a little drawing of how things are supposed to work.
Pineapple hole ($ 23)
The 2015 award for the worst sex toy to take with you on a trip goes to this onther onahole (for that special romantic touch, the Japanese term actually is a portmanteau of ‘onanist’s hole’) shaped like a fragmentation grenade. Because there’s nothing sexier than screwing a bomb, I suppose. On the other hand, this is the ideal conversation piece to strike up a friendship with TSA officers.
DebuSen ($ 57)
The trend continues with another absurd toy like this fatso-shaped onahole, which at least has its raison d’être. In a nation where women are overwhelmingly thin, the exotic call of the flab harbors an understandable allure. As we are going to see later on, the commendable intent of satisfying every kind of fantasy sometimes derails into very creepy territories, but in the meantime let’s move to the West with…
Boy Toy ($25)
For nothing is more arousing than a vibrator shaped like a dead clown, it would seem. Its real selling point however is the cunning hat, allowing you to hide it on the mantelpiece along with the glass animals menagerie and that plastic Venetian gondola with blinking lights that aunt Mae gave you for Christmas. Why you should remains a mistery instead.
Blow-up sow ($99)
Traditional blow up dolls are so Nineteen-eighties, you know. Luckily the XXI century brought with it the dirty characters manufactured by a nameless Chinese company selling them online. Besides this large sow, their catalog offers dominatrix-clad rabbits, sodomite unicorns and a truly frightening Sailor Moon. Until a few months ago they also had the porn version of My Little Pony, but bronies love notwithstanding, it was retired after a copyright lawsuit.
Cocoa aisu virgin slippery puriman onahole ($32)
And here is the Japanese silicone masturbator I mentioned above. To satisfy the most difficult clients, this one has a hymen – which when torn “bleeds” a special colored lube. You cannot imagine how difficult it was to find a picture without its packaging, featuring apparently very underage ladies dressed but with the sort of postures that in the West tend to send you to jail without passing Go.
Tears lube ($18)
When Japan doesn’t go overboard with entrapment, you must admire the infinite originality of its sex shop offering. Take this spray, containing “adolescent girl tears” sex lube, for the rampant dacryphiliacs among us. The true ingredients are of course simple chemicals – and there also is an alternate bottle with a different label for those who prefer watching young boys cry. I’m as baffled as you.
Discounted vaginoplastic (€499)
It is now time for a slight deviation (in every sense) homeward, with the inexplicable Milanese offer of a vaginal lips reshaping surgery… on GroupOn, where it is sold at 86% discount shoulder to shoulder with shady fusion buffets and all-you-can-eat pizza nights. I find feeding women’s insecurity with invented “inestetisms” criminal. But doing that while shamelessly confessing that these surgeries normally carry an unjustified €3,000 markup is just despicable.
Ryojoku pantyhoses (out of stock)
The last item for today is a normal pantyhose – almost. In the land of the Rising Sun ryojoku means ‘sexual humiliation’, and one way it is customarily practiced is by writing vulgar messages on the submissive’s body for everyone to leer at. The only problem is that they don’t wash easily, not even after a crowded bukkake session. Isn’t then much more practical to wear pre-written hosiery you can just peel off and ditch when you are done, then?
