Welcome to the second and final – for the moment – part of my latest collection of truly terrible sex toys I have found for sale on the Web. Don’t forget to check out Part 1 if you haven’t yet, and good luck finding the perfect Christmas hate gift for that frenemy in your life!
Shocky Maze Thing
To own one of these you have two options: buying from the inventor himself, or download the 3D printing files and DIY instructions – or at least so it was the last time I checked his Patreon page. Following the unbeatable example of silly bondage legend Jeff Gord, Mr. NotJoe creates lots of extra-geeky BDSM items like this one. The Shocky Maze Thing, in particular, is a set of rigid handcuffs integrating a toy-like maze you can navigate with a captive (ahem) ball bearing just by tilting the entire thing. The arguably fun part? If you don’t get from point A to point B within a set time, the shackles will give you an evil electric shock. Then the timer restarts and you have to do it again. And again. And again.
In Japanese, a nikubenki is a very loose woman – also translatable as ‘human toilet’. So of course someone sells the literal interpretation of this slur: an actual miniature toilet bowl molded in soft silicone and featuring lots of internal ribbings for added stimulation while you imagine… No, I’ll tell you what: I don’t want to know what anyone can imagine while using this.
Dildo gas mask
Because yeah, of course you need a meter-long dildo, but using it with your hands makes it way too simple. So why not introducing a suffocation hazard thanks to a modified gas mask where the air intake is plugged with said dildo? If you feel the sudden urge to own one, get clicking now: every other sex shop on the planet has discontinued this item. Wonder why.
Picture this. No, wait… I didn’t want to rape your retinas forever. I meant ‘imagine this’: you are a Japanese man, living in a rather unfertile society that fosters every conceivable kink but admittedly struggles to get around the concept of reproductive sex. It may be due to the very high average age, the almost-unaffordable cost of raising a kid for a young couple, the general social awkwardness caused by centuries-old rules and habits… but this is really not a concern. What really matters is that, like most of your countrymen, you despise using condoms (they are mostly used by married couples just on fertile days) – but you have a pregnancy fetish. What do you do?
Clearly, the most logical solution is to buy a giant sticker featuring the anatomical cutout of the human uterus, slap it on the belly of your partner, then take aim and… recreate every creepy x-ray scene in your favorite porn manga. After which, I suppose, a giant monster from outer space stomps over your capsule hotel and your cute animal robot mascot, delivering you from this horror. Meanwhile, your evil twin has bought the other version of the body stickers and is cackling manically outside of a public restroom, where he tied up a random girl and covered her in insulting graffiti. Suddenly, even a dead-boring place like Liechtenstein sounds like a more sensible country for living.
Turns out that the goya is a staple of Okinawan cuisine, a bitter gourd known for its taste… and its characteristically textured skin. Guess how it is traditionally used by Okinawan girls. Making a slightly enhanced silicone version was obviously the sensible way to go – you just have to make everyone forget that a quick trip at the produce aisle of your neighborhood shop will yield similar or better results at a fraction of the price.
Mother-son incest fantasies are way more common than you’d think, therefore some company somewhere had to market a sex toy specifically meant to satisfy them (and earn a profit while at it). Now, if “somewhere” was anywhere else, the designers would have probably come up with something… maternal, wouldn’t they? As luck would have it, though, the Babumi onahole was invented in Japan, so it had to be weird. To wit: a package illustration featuring a non-breastfeeding teenage woman wearing a veeeery short skirt made invisible by some sort of photo patch – and on top of it all, the crown jewel of this mess: a badge proudly announcing that the toy features ‘virgin skin’, which sounds pretty un-motherly by any logic.
And inside the box? As you can see in the above photo, just yet another slightly misshapen silicone sausage right out of Larva Island that I wholeheartedly hope doesn’t look like your mom at all. If you are still up for it, however, you are welcome to use it with the official breast milk lube, or the even more unsettling Young Mother Breast Milk Lube, sold in an authentic medical bag complete with donor details.
Once I actually met someone who found those dick-shaped novelty pasta bags “frisky”, so I had to include this item in her honor. As a matter of fact, I clearly remember the good old times when people occasionally underwent sudden religious conversions as they witnessed the face of Christ in a stain on the wall, or a burnt tortilla. I was also there when some joker began selling a toaster that automatically imprinted it on your morning toast. Now someone has taken the idea to new lows with this. Seriously, folks: can you imagine any single person on Earth that could find amusing – or, god forbid, arousing – a vaguely genital-like hieroglyphic ruining every toasted slice of bread ever? Yep, I guessed so.
Ok, so this is not really a sex toy – more of a bold statement about one’s total lack of good taste, social skills and/or girlfriends whose name doesn’t end in .avi. If you ever felt the need to have your cell phone propped up by a disembodied female bottom, you can now choose between several skirt and panties colors, obviously to match the sad cardboard portrayal of your favorite anime “heroine”.
Blue frame Uminari / Amagake
I am sorry to report that no, the Japanese military never really had whale-inspired battleships nor flying fortresses among its ranks. Of course this hasn’t stopped the Yawaraka Sozai company from producing… wait for it… fake model kits versions of them, to be used as solo male sex toys. For better silliness, both silicone items are absurdly over-engineered, with a series of harder plastic internal parts that supposedly offer different sensations depending on how firmly you hold them in your hand. The battleship, by the way, is softer than the air fortress. The box also contains a tiny toilet brush of sorts, intended for cleaning the inside channel after your “strikes”. Or you can just stare all day at the technical cutouts and wonder how millions of years of evolution brought the human race to this.
The tee of life
As I mentioned in Part 1, I am guilty of having left my Don’t Buy It! links go stale in the past few months, and this is proof of that. Thanks to a rare good turn of events, this awfully named t-shirt has disappeared from every online shop in the meantime – but I simply had to show its horror to you, my faithful readers. I had even copied the official description, reproduced here for your consideration: ‘wear this garment inspired by the origin of all life to make a strong statement of supporting all women in their fight for equal rights and recognition for every gender. Realize the undeniable appeal of a man who is not afraid of embracing the Divine Feminine’. Or: you tried pickup manuals and pheromone perfumes. Now wear a vulva around your neck and make the last few women who still tolerated you disappear from your life in the blink of an eye.
End of Part 2. You can find Part 1 here.