It is now ten years since my first article where I presented ‘the most deranged and awful sex toys ever’, which was meant just as a funny diversion from all the serious think pieces about unusual sex you can find on this website. However, that post became rather successful and, more importantly, sex toys manufacturers never stopped inventing unreasonable crap. And there you have an entire Don’t Buy That! series, which I thought better to update in time for the 2022 festivities buying spree.
You know the rules: every item is absolutely real, you can buy them clicking on their names and… I take no responsibility for any lethal accident, serious mutilation nor destroyed relationship related to this post. Let’s go!
Vee killer vibrator
$49.99 (+ 9.99 for the blades subscription)
I just had to start with the product most highlighted by women-targeting media, led of course by Cosmopolitan – the magazine renown for its psychotic sex tips. It was a simple idea, really: mask a vibrator as a five-bladed epilation razor, I guess to avoid the hypotetical embarrassment of getting caught with a sex toy in your home. In fact, it is way better to hang this hardly equivocal object in your shower… But anyway, the bonus is that with less than fifty dollars you can choose whether shred yourself as you try removing your body hairs, or inflict yourself multiple stigmata while you masturbate. Because yes, in theory you are supposed to unscrew the blades before use, but we all know too well how these things go, don’t we?
Rapist fish school simulator
$25 (without the thingyturner)
The black gizmo on the left is called Nol Glepis, and it is a motorized male masturbator. In a pinch, you stick your johnny into that, and it turnskneadsshakes it until a happy ending. The special part, however, is the one on the right, not in scale. It is one of its many special accessories, that in this specific case was conceived with the precise intent of reproducing the sensation of a school of small fish with libidinous intentions. You know that treatment that was popular about ten years ago in high-end spas, where they made you dip your feet in a basin full of fish to have your calluses and dead skin nibbled away? Well, someone considered that H.P. Lovecraft might find that not horrifying enough, and mechanized the same concept for your glans. If you wish, there even is a version featuring suckers and tentacles, at the same 25 dollars price. Ftaghn.
Millionaires’ edition cheeseburger gag
€199.53
At least the concept is funny, you see. Instead of your typical ball gag, let’s give that erotically eccentric friend an ironic present they’ll can use to take some side-splitting selfies for their Instagram! Such a thing will never arouse anybody, but the occasional joke is worth a couple of dollars, no? Oh, what are you… It costs as much as two hundred real basic McDonald’s hamburgers you could use to (badly) feed a lot of real starving people? Sigh…
Clitoris glue
$19
You know those late-night teleshopping programs on lesser-known channels, those trying to sell you improbable gadgets to solve “issues” that no human being ever saw as such? Right: the sex shop equivalent obviously comes from Japan, and it is an extra useful clitoris glue. I mean, should its hood be overly developed (or the clitoris glans too hidden), is there anything more practical than holding the special hood-lifter tool, dip it in adhesive and push it into place? You then just have to wait a few minutes, and just like magic the button will be there, fully exposed and happily smiling for the courtesy you allowed it. And on special sale: the glue buckets for immobilizing the rest of your partner and avoid her to storm off slamming the door on her way out when you propose her something like that.
Banana cleaner
$59.99
Honest. On Amazon it is listed just as that. Or better: according to the full translation, it is a ‘Banana cleaning machine in food-grade silicone, intelligent cleaning, fruit and vegetables washing machine. For males.’. It is a little disappointing for the ladies, who’ll have to keep polishing plants in the genus Musa by hand, but some times fate can be cruel. Also, reviewers say it doesn’t even work that well.
The original Accomodator
€27.55
Behold The Original Accomodator, as it is properly spelled. Please also note that ‘to accommodate’ comes from the ancient Latin word for ‘comfortable’. As you can see, it is a chin-mounted strap-on that makes active penetration especially comfortable (for 3 training credits, candidates must draw a detailed diagram of the position required for the above-mentioned sex act) and the passive one as well. In the latter case, there is less than 95% probability that the push and weight of the partner may crush the atlas and epistropheus vertebrae, causing irreversible tetraplegy. After all, comfort is well worth some sacrifice.
Vibrators-holding vibrator
$27
I admit I can be nasty. Here I am, comfortably making fun of these sex toys, while there are whole research departments out there working hard at innovating the sexual toys industry. And mind you, each toy requires a very expensive process of design, manufacturing, packaging, marketing and so on. Any item that doesn’t sells may mean the firing of dozens of people, or the foreclosure of a company, so there is little to laugh about. So I can imagine the pressure felt by the guy who invented this Anal Camel. After the thirtieth angry outburst by his boss, he must have thought: «People enjoy stuffing crap up their ass, so I’ll deisgn… a ten-speeds anal vibrator! But not one like the other, oh no… Mine will feature a handle of sort to hold another vibrating egg… Wait, I’ll even put two of them in! And who cares if it will never fit any sphyncter! Mwahahahah!!!» The tri-vibrating dick inventor’s last sighting was in the queue to the HR office of the fake cocksucking fish factory.
High society face masks
$10
We all know elegance is paramount – even in these sad times of COVID resurgence. That’s why the Tama Toys masks are certified to filter pollens only, but will make you shine in any occasion. The various models include the BDSM gag version, the schoolgirl’s panties one, and the one featuring primary school PE hour bloomer fabric (left in the picture), also available in the “swimsuit with a label to write the young female student’s name on” variant. For your information, the best-selling model seems to be the extra smart ahegao version, featuring the drooling mouth of a girl swooning in orgasmic extasy.
Mindfucker
$24
«I love men who knows how to screw my brain», she said. Then someone – and I wouldn’t want to sound racist, but these items somehow never happen to come from Norway, Cameroon or Vanuatu – took her literally, and invented this onahole. Or, to be precise, they invented the full-size version. Because some customer must have complained, and this new special variant is the small-sized one. To curb any inferiority complex for one’s intelligence, I venture, but I might be wrong.
Lineal Star videovibrator
$126
Nine vibration patterns? Check. Ten to-and-fro modes? Sure. Vibration enhancer accessory? Of course. Warming feature, since we’d never want anyone catching a cold? Naturally there it is as well. But, above all, what makes this sex toy unique is the high-resolution video camera integrated into its tip, with LED lighting. You download the iPhone or Android app, and you can go on a thousand wonderful directing adventures, finally freeing the proctologist inside you! Your social media profiles will never be the same.
Ok, we can stop here for now and catch our breath. See you for the second part of the worst sex toys of the year!
