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Don’t buy it! – Pandemic Fall Special

Has it really so much time passed since the last overview of the most awful and misguided sex toys ever conceived? I better keep the tradition going, so here is another instalment featuring the newest stuff – this time of an especially pernicious nature. Let’s start immedately and, as usual… don’t buy these!  

Don't buy it - Pandemic special Dildos for confused zoophiles

This site is dedicated to uncommon sexualities, so it inevitably also touches upon zoophilia from time to time. Every time it happened, though, I at least wrote about pretty determined people. Chinese sex toys manufacturer Faak identified a new business opportunity instead penetrating (ahem…) the confused zoophiles market, whose members aren’t that clear about how their passions work. How else could you explain the dildo shaped like a combination pig foot and snout, or the other one sculpted after a baby elephant trunk? I warmly suggest visiting their catalog, where in addition to a possibility of spending your zany afternoons shoving bear paws where the sun doesn’t shine, you are going to discover the magical world of zodiac-based fake dicks and lots of other Museum of Inexplicable Moments in the History of Sexuality-worthy objects.  

Don't buy it - Pandemic special Automoblow
$139 (and 300 more for the wankatron)

What you might initially overlook is that the object in question is just that adjustable arm, meant to fit into the cup holder of a Tesla to tactically support an Autoblow, which has one less syllable but costs 160 dollars more and uses an alleged “artificial intelligence” to knead your schlong. If all you are still wondering about is «but why a Tesla in particular?» you evidently didn’t catch the genius idea of using its assisted driving feature to give a new meaning to the “bypass commuter” and “embarrassing vehicular manslaughter” concepts. And yes, it is such a deranged image that they inevitably even made a video about it.  

Don't buy it - Pandemic special Bundyldo

Nico Castelaux is a French guy obsessed with serial killers, so much so that his hobby is painting them in horrible portraits he tries selling through his website. His other passion is special effects, so he just used the materials he already had at home to create silicone human shinbones replicas, engrave them with the signature of his hero Ted Bundy – who was also a necrophile after all – and sell them as sexual novelties. I swear I thought it was a fake product when I saw it.. but no. Sigh.  

Don't buy it - Pandemic special Cock Camera

It has been repeatedly proven that the only plausible effect of taking videos of your erotic adventures is to get into trouble. However, if you really are into it – and you love complications – here is a cockring-mounted camera, to immortalize the viewpoint of your favorite friend. Of course it even has an infrared night mode, and the gizmo connects via wi-fi to a smartphone to save the video right away or share it in real-time with someone clearly devoid of any sensible interest. Now you might raise some doubts about the benefits of shooting ultra close-up seasickness-inducing clips of someone’s pubes… but the courteous Cock Camera inventors know how to change your mind. More or less.  

Don't buy it - Pandemic special Hinnyu flat thingamaboob

Hinnyu is Japanese for ‘poor breasts’ – which sounds especially unsettling for a country known for the average flatness of its ladies. Still, not as unsettling as this item, which simply is a silicone chunk meant for hinnyu enthusiasts to poke minimammaries to their hearts’ content without committing any abominable crime. For everyone else, this might work at best as a very expensive carpal tunnel syndrome wrist support for working with a mouse, but I’d suggest not bringing it to your office.  

Don't buy it - Pandemic special Spare foreskins

DMM is another Chinese company specializing in misguided erotic items, including a wide range of artificial foreskins like these two. Here in Europe, where circumcision is not very common, they look rather pointless; somewhere else there are those who use them to (badly) manage their traumas and dysphoria. Then there is somebody who considers them a way to achieve a few millimeters worth of girth, which given the measurements shown in the picture just gives us one more reason to despair.  

Don't buy it - Pandemic special VR Time Capsule
Quotes on request

How are you feeling about those wrinkles around your eyes? And the white hair? If your name is Grey (like Dorian and Christian, but also like Sasha) you can call this US company, which will come to your home with everything you need to record your intercourses from a subjective point of view. In other words, they will take care of lighting, direction and editing, but most importantly they will make you wear head-mounted stereoscopic cameras to film it all just as your eyes see it. At the end you will own a collection of video files and two improperly named “VR” visors you can use to relive your younger orgasms when you’ll be an older (yet sprightly) couple. If you too are thinking of the more dystopic sides of it all, I warmly recommend playing this excellent game.  

Don't buy it - Pandemic special Gyro Roller tengablender

‘Tenga’ is, of course, the best-selling brand of silicone male masturbators. Since you might not feel like terribly exerting yourself by moving them yourself, this turbobeater will take care of that for you. In fact, it won’t shake them back and forth, but just clockwise and back. Because, as the old saying goes: «ジューサーにペニスを入れなければ、本当に生きたことはありません».  

Don't buy it - Pandemic special Vapegasm
$19,99 in preorder (for years)

This item might win the title of worst idea ever conceived for a sex toy (which is a lot, considering what else I showed you in the previous installments of this series)… but it never went into production anyway and it just hangs around the Internet waiting for a madman to actually finance it. It is an e-cigarette to be loaded with psychoactive substances, wirelessly connected to any Lovesense sex toy. You then slip the latter wherever you prefer, and inhale like there is no tomorrow: the more you breathe in, the more it vibrates. One hundred (stitch) points to the fake testimonial claiming on their website how he does it all while driving – probably on the same road of the Automoblow guy.  

Don't buy it - Pandemic special Inflatable doggushion

Remember those manga-girl shaped pillows where you can insert a fleshlight to prove to the entire universe how you lack even the slightest amount of self-esteem? This is its advanced version, ‘L’ shaped for a half-hearted “doggy-style” effect which is better than nothing – allegedly. The coup de grace is that, being this a doggy style sex toy, its official mascot is a puppy girl complete with a tail, whom you can see by clicking the link.  

Don't buy it - Pandemic special Multipurpose squirrel
$750 (but it’s Mexican dollars, so barely 35 USD)

Around here, the Sona is still a big hit. This is more or less the same thing (no, it’s definitely less), with the added bonus of featuring a vibrating element and a generally silly shape. Ten vibration modes, stuffsucking mouth and assorted colors. It is sold by an online Mexican store specializing in gadgets imported from the extreme – in every sense – Orient, well worth a visit if only for the highly ironic pictures they frequently publish.  

Don't buy it - Pandemic special Girlfriend pillow
Temporarily out of stock

If manga companions are not your thing and you prefer your pillows more of a western-style, you can always pop by Amazon and try buying this object – with just one arm for a modicum of cuddling, but at least both tits. Unfortunately you won’t find it since the item is currently not available, but while you wait for a restocking you can always contemplate the desolate expression of the guy in the picture, driving with a gaping void where his soul should be while thinking about the errors that lead him to travel along with that mixed fibers abomination. On the same route of the wanking Tesla guy and the technostoner. Now you know why you are always stuck in traffic.  

Don't buy it - Pandemic special Onahole pants

Financial recession is everywhere, Japan included. Even in the nation that gave us the most advanced and extravagant sex toys, designers are cutting costs and making do. For example, by inventing these dainty underpants, representing the 2.0 version of the classic elephant underwear. In this case the penis sleeve is definitely larger: not because under mount Fuji everyone has suddenly grown in size, but because it is actually meant to hold one of their omnipresent rubber masturbators. Pick one, lube it, insert it, slip your dankon in, pull the pants up and saunter all day long with a fake vagina dangling around your prick. Getting arrested for indecent behavior is optional, but I appreciated the suggestion of knotting up the onahole holder in case it is too long for the wearer. 

Don't buy it - Pandemic special Sex prevention stool

I am ending this Don’t buy it! with a true mystery. Dear readers, this is a real plastic stool that costs as much as a romantic weekend in a hotel de charme, yet looks frighteningly fragile (and sharp when it inevitably breaks). The best feature however is, like the clever promotional picture shows, how its measurements will make any form of penetration absolutely impossible. A chastity lovers’ special.   And that’s all – for the moment. I promise I will keep seeking the most atrocious sex toys worldwide for you… but if you stumble into something you think fit for this article series, make sure to let me know!

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