Christmas is approaching as I’m writing these lines, and I know the presents I am going to give this year: definitely not the objects you see below, nor those I listed in the first part of the guide, neither in the previous instalments. However, if you are like the average superhero and you too have any archvillain to exemplarily punish, here is another cheerful selection fo the worst sex toys I have recently uncovered…

Anal dinosaur

€30.75

I regret you can’t see it in the photo, but I can attest this bubbly little fellow 30 centimeters long and weighing half a kilo sports his own quite oversized genital organs. If you harbor any doubt about the usage of such a merry toy, let me carefully quote the explanation given by the Chinese seller themselves: «Deep into the soul for a long time G tide wave-like pleasure spreading layer by layer». And now that we cleared that up, let’s see on what else we can invest our hard-earned savings.

Quite elegant party game

$36.99

Next Thursday, at the charity dames’ weekly dinner, instead of playing the old tired pinochle, Alsatian bridge or curling you can finally heat the night up with this rutilant party game that seems to come from the very same minds who created Looping Louie and the Crocodile Dentist extravaganzas. The rules are very simple: you fill it up with milk, syrup or any liquid you favor, then two adversaries get pumping like there was no tomorrow. The less handy player loses, and gets splorched right in their face. The most sociopathic part of the instructions suggests to use it to «make a Tinder date memorable». Alternatively, you can also pour a jar of honey over your genitals and drop two ferrets inside your underwear: the memorability level will be roughly the same.

Vibrating vampire squid

€22

Surprise fun fact: the scientific name of the creature who inspired this sex toy is ‘vampyroteuthis infernalis’, its – red, of course – eyes are proportionally the largest in the whole animal kingdom, and when it is bothered it defends itself by releasing a sticky cloud of blue bioluminescent mucus. Welcome on ayzad.com, where I make a point of spreading knowledge.
Now that you too have these information at your disposal, I am certain you won’t have any trouble understanding why a Japanese sex toy designer thought that this precisely was the animal everyone would want strangling their penis. Shall we move on? We shall move on.

Mutant fuckstool

Not in stores yet

This is the proverbial exception proving the rule of only publishing items you can buy, but it was too ‘Don’t Buy it!’ not to include it in this list. In 2015, designer Bastiaan Bujis had a stroke of genius: «The presence of sex toys must be normalized in every home to make sexuality in general be more accepted!». Therefore he produced this alien thingamajig that would give even David Cronenberg serious nightmares, and that is meant to be fondled and penetrated – clearly in addition to be exposed as your living room centerpiece, along with aunt Mathilda’s cute china animals collection. He maintains that sooner or later it will reach the stores. While we wait, it might be better to put ourselves at ease. Maybe on a normal sofa.

Puffy, the loving bear

$144

I know you are a kinky lot, and seeing the picture you immediately had impure thoughts. However, we do know how furry-obsessed you are, and Puffy’s accurate human shape might have led you into error, yet a perfectly reasonable explanation comes from the manufacturer themselves. «Puffy is the best pillow to support back, neck and knees. He replaces the need for the physical presence of a person in various moments and situations of everyday life, especially during long lonely nights. Attention: due to Puffy’s human figure and size, you might need some time to get used to him». Meaning, should you get a heart attack because you forgot you had a two-meters-tall sex bear in your kitchenette, give him a hug and everything will be fine.

Eternal cervixbreaker

$41

Naturally, I didn’t make up the name of this onahole, or silicone male masturbator. We saw a bunch of them already in previous Don’t Buy It! Episodes, but this is the only one specifically designed for those who feel the irresistible urge to penetrate a cervix. But since things must be done well or not at all to be worth it, in this case there even are twelve simulated cervixes one after the other, because you never know whether you have enough at hand. For $3.40 per uterus, it might have been a worse deal.

Cyber nipple licker

$589

When I was a young man, in the last century, VHS videotapes were still fashionable. Without an internet, you had to rent them at an expensive price from the porn section of video rental stores, and the publishers did everything they could to attract your attention by putting catching pictures on the covers – a bit like with the online thumbnails of porn sites today, now that I think of it. However: in my small town the Extra busen in aktion series was all the rage, featuring Teutonic bosom-heavy ladies obsessed with licking their own nipples while giving you lascivious stares. They had it easy because they were seriously overendowed, but how can the typical Asian maiden flat as a flat thing cope? Obviously, she must use this handy sucking and licking techno-tongues set, provided with special lubricant and a recharging bay inspired by airpods. When it will be back on sale, of course, because even at that crazy price point it seems to be sold out.

Episodic sex doll

Variable prices – that’s kinda the point

It is a sign of the times. A bit like our grandparents lived in giant houses and drove giant cars while we co-rent a basement and have car sharing, sex dolls changed in style too. Love Doll Aki, for example, is but a transparent balloon (36 dollars). However, if you want to make her more realistic you can separately buy the penetrable vagina ($15), the fake skin cover ($29), the head wig ($19) and the pubic one ($18), not to mention the custom bikini for just 15 dollars. The second instalment comes with the third and the cover of the first volume for free, probably.

Finger tentacle

$9

In the Rising Sun Country they are hot for mollusks since the Dream of the fisherman’s wife, far before all those ‘tentacle rape’ genre anime. So it is somewhat reasonable that, as soon as technology allowed, someone rushed to manufacture an extra-thin condom that can turn any normal finger into a tentacle, complete with suckers. Millions of nipponese wives are anxiously waiting for the version you can wear on other appendages. And one time or another I have to remember telling you about squidding.

That was all. For now. The folder I collect the links for the next Don’t Buy It! is filling back already…