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Don’t buy it! Terrible sex toys for Christmas 2018 – Part 1

How very forgetful of me. While I was distracted, I let the awful sex toys folder fill up with unpublished links, depriving you (and all the websites that just swipe and repackage it uncredited) of my very irregular Don’t buy it! feature. Everything is pretty self-explanatory, so let’s dive in straight away into my latest collection of stuff you definitely don’t want to include in your bedside toy chest – but might want to order in time for Christmas as a present for someone you really hate.
And don’t worry if you can’t find your favorite horrible product: Part 2 is already up!

 

Panties pillowcase

Panties pillowcase
€19

Let’s start with this oversized and apparently innocuous item. I mean, you must be rather eccentric to decorate your pillow with panties, but what harm can there be in such a thing? Well, the panties are meant for deranged fetishists, and they are specially engineered to catch the oils and sweat from your – apparently unwashed – nape right on the spot corresponding to the “crotch”. With time, this will allow you to become the proud owner of a very stained and smelly pair of simulated used undies to be smelled and rubbed onto your face at will. And, as the official television commercial suggests, adding a little well-aimed pee will enhance their rancidness for further realism. Which makes me wonder what sort of idea of personal hygiene both the inventor and the users share anyhow. Hardcore panties fetishists can literally sleep tight, however, since the same company also produces a full underwear set for the whole bed, as shown in the above-linked video.  

 

Chintama penis panties

Chintama penis panties
$21

Or you can just use these mini-panties to dress your dick up, of course. And then spend the rest of your life asking yourself why.

 

Glory hole to go

Glory Hole To Go
$299 – 599

Oh, the glory hole! Not the unfortunately named Alaskan soup kitchen, but the porn trope that originated in early XX century America, when gay sex was illegal and people often caught some quick action on the go, sticking their penises through anonymous holes in the wall of public restrooms hoping for the best. Studies have shown that they fell extinct by the beginning of this century and that they were never a heterosexual thing, but nobody will stop you from dreaming, if you fancy such fantasies. Especially not the guys who are ready to sell you all sort of portable glory holes to temporarily install in your home, club or pretty much everywhere. The “wall” is now a strong, easy to wash fabric roll that is pulled taut between two extendable bars, and the hole is nicely cut out and positioned for maximum ease of use. There is also an optional “privacy curtain” for the shyest of users. Or you can build it yourself for a few dollars.

 

Kemono hime sex plushie

Kemono Hime sex plushie
$294

Kink-shaming furries is juvenile and mean – but you have to admit that the whole subculture isn’t working very hard to appear less than ridiculous. Case in point: this series of anthropomorphic animal plushies depicting a pink dog, gray cat and yellow fox. Should you be wondering why their roasted-turkey-like legs are so widely spaced apart, the above photo will reveal all their hidden horror: these cuddly toys are meant to be fucked. And while for 294 dollars I’d expect them to at least also do the laundry and dishes for me, the price doesn’t include the fleshlight you are supposed to insert and button down inside their bodies. The same fuzzy body that surely goes so well with lube and spunk, and that you’ll love spending hours to clean afterward. You pervert!

 

Drilldo

Drilldo
$32 – 406

Clearly the creation of a diehard Top Secret! fan, the Drilldo itself is just a drill bit featuring the Vac-u-loc quasi-standard attachment for strap-on dildos. The seriously unsavory idea is to attach it to your favorite rotary power tool, plop a compatible rubber cock or… thing on it and plow into whatever hole wasn’t smart enough to run away stat. Luckily, I doubt it would actually work: the solid inner part would quickly strip the soft inside of the… attachment – which is actually a common complaint even with regular Vac-u-lock harnesses – leaving it still as it keeps embarrassingly to whirr with no purpose. Which is in fact a very good news, since you really don’t want to have a rubber (read: gripping) thing rotating 700 times a minute inside your most delicate parts.
Looking at the full catalog, the manufacturer actually sells alternative – and more dangerous – sets featuring in-and-out-type of power tools, so if you really dare to try them anyway I’d suggest using lots of lube at the least. The kits including a worker’s helmet and safety vest are to die for, though.

 

Deep throat stroker

Deep throat stroker
$26

Differently from most other items in this collection, I can see the point of this silicone masturbator. Receiving a deepthroat job feels wonderful, but not everyone is able to perform such a feat; practice surely helps, but sometimes it is just a matter of incompatible anatomy. So, why not to go for the next best thing with a relatively realistic simulation?
Because they made it look like a terrifying deep oceanic sea cucumber, that’s why! Because it is straight out that alien scene from The Abyss, maybe. Seriously… Why can’t we just have nice things, instead?

 

Pre-fist glove

Pre-Fist glove
$29

I have been a decades-long fan of Meo, the German mostly-gay-oriented toy shop specializing in really extreme instruments. I am not joking: try browsing their catalog and I bet you will break a cold sweat along the way, wondering what sort of maniacs can even conceive of such items. Some of their other ideas, however, are… way too weird to be featured even in a Nazisploitation movie, if you catch my drift.
Case in point: this industrial-strength sculpted rubber glove intended for preparing your partner to heavy intense more intense echo-inducing fisting action. Chances are they will be bound and gagged already, so you won’t have to worry about them escaping – or dying of laughter when they see you wearing that. Bonus points if you hold a Drilldo in your other hand.

 

Nyoukan peehole sex onahole

Nyoukan peehole sex onahole
$23

First things first: urethral intercourse is actually a thing. If you are really, really brave lady, quite masochist and very patient (not to mention fearless of chronic cystitis) you can actually stretch your peehole enough to accommodate an average-sized penis – just browse the most extreme porn sites and you’ll see. This doesn’t mean that you should, of course, but if you feel a desperate need to know what that feels like… well, this very unusual masturbator sleeve probably won’t be anything like that.
What your 23 dollars will buy you, however, is a full set composed of said sleeve (or ‘onahole’, as the Japanese say), a small bottle of pee-scented lube for added realism, and a priceless box illustration featuring a rather perplexed – or possibly brain-damaged – girl staring into your perverted soul until the end of times. When even manga characters take pity on your idea of fun, you know you have hit rock bottom.

 

Whisper of the penis

Whisper of the penis
$20

Talking about orifices you really shouldn’t feel any lustful feeling toward, this poetically-named masturbator will make the day of the whole two persons in the world harboring an ear intercourse fantasy. I, for one, would settle for a long interview with its designer, to try and understand the creative and marketing process that turns such a deranged concept into an actual product.

 

That is how Part 1 ends. Keep following me – maybe subscribing to my free newsletter – to find out the further weirdness I have dug up for Part 2.

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