The awl’s Jane Hu just unsettled my whole universe with a wonderful research about gerbiling, also improperly known as felching. Before continuing, it is then mandatory to check how this practice is described in my book XXX – The dictionary of unusual sex.
An erotic practice so absurd it has long been thought just an urban legend… until emergency rooms all over the world began receiving urgent cases of its victims, who had been probably insipired by the urban legend itself. It consists of taking a gerbil (no, seriously!), bind it tightly in adhesive tape, lube it all and – obviously – stick it up one’s ass. This is such a demented idea that it became the basis for a couple of the most obscene and funny episodes of South Park, which is usually quite obscene and funny already.
Either way the concept would be that the animal, terrified by its ordeal, tries to get free by wriggling inside the rectum in a way no vibrator could ever simulate, thus stimulating theoretically unparalleled pleasures. There are just two small problems this bright idea doesn’t consider: the fact that there is no oxygen inside your anus – so the critter quickly dies – and zoology. In fact, gerbils are rodents, and rodents are known for their gnawing. They gnaw so well, especially when they are desperately dying, that they can easily cut through any tape, get their claws free and try to dig an escape tunnel.
Unfortunately for them that is an impossible feat, but if you consider how the rectum has very thin and very vascularized walls, you can imagine the effects of a hysterical grater right there, and the reason of the emergency hospitalizations. In those cases in which the tape holds, however, you find yourself with a cadaver in your ass: maybe you can manage to extract it, yet maybe not. And ‘maybe not’ means risking a full-blown infection – in addition to the embarrassment of having to ask a proctologist to play tomb raider to recover the remains.
Considering all of the above, you can understand why actor Richard Gere, who the gossip magazines said was a gerbiling enthusiast, practically retired from the stage and dedicated himself to Tibetan politics trying to have the story forgotten.
Splendid, isn’t it? In fact it is so much that it probably isn’t true at all, as the article in question explains in detail. The reporter looked everywhere (in the United States) for some concrete evidence of the existence of gerbiling, but her conclusion was that it was just an urban legend born to “normalize” the panic caused by the diffusion of AIDS in the early Eighties. In a way, when faced with an epidemic of which nobody knew the contagion method or the precise symptoms but only its typical victims, people needed to identify a scapegoat – and attaching such a bizarre story to the gay world perfectly satisfied this need.
And the Richard Gere story? That seemingly was a Sylvester Stallone retaliation for his colleague’s tantrums on a movie set they shared.
This may disappoint you, but… hold on a second!
To begin with, I did my own research: when I wrote XXX I double-checked every single information, and I got in touch with a Berlin surgeon who confirmed to have personally removed a gerbil from a patient. Of course he might have been a weird joker… but it wouldn’t be the first time an urban legend turned out to be true.
As a matter of fact, this is somewhat frequent talking about sex. The examples go from the penis-female urethra intercourse to the fake underground train for timid molesters – and I can even boast about an episode all of my own.
In fact, when I compiled the huge glossary in BDSM – A guide for explorers of extreme eroticism (which you can find online too, albeit in Italian only) I adopted a little copy prevention trick from the geography world. Since map makers don’t like having their hard work pirated, but territory is obviously the same for everyone, many maps include fictional marks in otherwise uninteresting areas. This way normal users have no problems, but pirate cartographers are easily spotted: they are those whose work shows their colleagues’ inventions!
Well, by the same principle among the thousands of items in my glossary I also added the following:
Squidding – A whipping done using an octopus’ or a squid’s tentacles. This practice was born in ancient Greece and it made a brief comeback after World War II thanks to the sailors stationed on the Aegean Sea.
Of course squidding never existed. It was a complete fabrication which was actually useful to give the lie to a few “experts” who had copied my work without authorization.
…But with time I received letters from two different couples who thanked me for letting them discover such a wonderful erotic game, which they now practice on a regular basis. And don’t make me think of those who didn’t write me.
All of this only means that the game is still on. Jane Hu did a great job, but I can’t be convinced that somewhere there is a weirdo who after reading those stories is actually enjoying sticking gerbils in improbable places.
And what about you? Which are your absurd sex stories? The comments are open as always…
(Oh, and by the way: my glossary also contains another trap… Who can spot it?)