Can you hear those bells jingling? It seems that while we were being distracted by sexy Halloween costumes, Christmas sneaked upon us and is now dangerously close. This can only mean one thing, and it is not ‘let’s wear Japanese holiday gimp masks’, nor ‘we should give a festive touch to our kinky games’ but ‘it’s time to write Santa and let him know which toys we would like to find under our tree’.

Luckily for you, uncle Ayzad is here to help with some suggestions. Very, very good girls can look forward to the most expensive sex toy in the world; the weird guy who keeps stalking you on Facebook is sure to receive one of those odd, unexplainable items in the back pages of toy catalogues; fashion-obsessed, post-ironic geeky girls are going to get a designer vibrator, and bad boys and girls…

…Well, for the bad ones there can be only one present, and it is terrifying. Last Friday the most obvious and depressing party game was announced: 50 shades of Grey, with “spicy” Red room expansion pack. Its extremely concise description makes it sound like a variation on Cards against humanity, which was pretty awful already – but it doesn’t really matter, because it is just impossible to imagine any sort of people to actually play it. No, not even pudgy British housewives wearing those Japanese masks.