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BDSM – simple tips for not getting burned

It just keeps happening. All the time. Being a kink educator puts you into all sorts of great situations and makes you meet countless truly wonderful people – but then you also get to see the other side of the coin, and probably just the tiniest part of it.
That’s where you receive a heart-rendering email from someone who got seriously hurt – often more emotionally than physically – by some self-described “lifestyle expert”; or where you casually mention some small, inconsequential thing and you see the person in front of you blanching as they suddenly realize they got it all wrong for such a long time of unhappiness; or where a fearful newbie asks you the apparently dumbest question, revealing a whole castle of unhealthy misconceptions in their understanding of whatever unusual form of eroticism they fancy. As a matter of fact, it is almost always about BDSM, the uber-kink that sort of contains all other nice deviations.

The sad thing is that, most of the times, the damage is already done and it will take time to get repaired: maybe it was so big that the person has written off kink entirely due to the bad experience. That is of course a shame, since sexual exploration can bring lots of joy to everyone’s life – but it also is because writing books to help people better enjoy kink is what I do, for crying it out loud!
Seriously, reading BDSM – A Guide for Explorers of Extreme Eroticism takes just a matter of days and costs way less than dining out once, but it will give you all the information you may ever need to experience this form of sexuality forever! Don’t want to fork out for life-saving knowledge? Fine, force me into poverty, but give at least a skim to my free micro-ebook No Shades of Grey- What BDSM really is, in black on white then.
Or are you simply allergic to books? In that case you are almost calling for it, buddy, but this very post is part of over a thousand articles about pretty much everything you want to know about unusual sex – not even counting the rest of the website.

Oh. I see. You are above using the Search feature. You want it all here and now, isn’t it so? All right, then: here are the very basic reminders for BDSM newcomers.

1 – You are just fine

According to research, one person in six has erotic domination and submission fantasies; one in ten fulfills them. In other words: you are just as normal as they come, not sick, not crazy. And you don’t need to be “cured”. Responsible BDSM has been officially declassified from mental illnesses only in 2010, but most medical professionals didn’t consider it as such since decades earlier. This means, by the way, that in case of need law enforcement, healthcare workers and other institutions ought to help you without negatively judging you. Your local laws and culture may influence this broad rule, however, so be sensible about that.

2 – It’s supposed to feel good

No, I mean it. Sex – any kind of sex, even if it doesn’t involve genital organs at all – is something you do to have fun, not to feel miserable. Nor sad, unworthy, or anything “not-good”. Even when pain, humiliation or power struggles come into play, that’s precisely what it is: play. If it doesn’t make you feel happy, there is plenty of other activities to do with your partner. Or alone. Or more probably with someone else, if not-your-partner-anymore was a douchebag who didn’t care for your satisfaction.

3 – It’s something you do for yourself with other people, not for them

See above. Like pretty much everything in a sane life, you must be happy yourself before making other happy. This isn’t being selfish, but realistic and fun for your partner/s instead of reluctant or dissatisfied. It also means that you should never feel like having to do anything you don’t like, or having to prove anything to anyone. This also includes imaginary requirements read on the Internet, in pornographic material or “rules” of any kind. There are none, really.

4 – Keep it SSC: safe, sane and consensual

The reason behind the success of the ‘SSC’ motto is that it’s damn true: follow it and 99% of possible problems will never present themselves in the first place. Safe means taking care of minimizing potential risks by planning, learning and checking stuff before you play, knowing how bodies work and their limits, and what to do in case of an accident. Sane means staying within the limits of reality, health, law and good sense in general: in BDSM, a little goes a looong way if done correctly. Consensual means that everyone involved must know exactly what they are agreeing to, that they are legally able to consent (i.e. adult and not forced nor intoxicated) and that they are still consenting all throughout it.

5 – There is no True Way to do it

Really. Besides the three above points, I mean.

6 – There are no secrets to it

A surefire rule of thumb: if anyone claims to know a BDSM secret, run. The greatest thing about kink is how wonderfully available information about it is. Talks of “training chateaus”, “elite masters”, “special groups”, “secret techniques” or – even worse – supernatural sex should send your bullshit (and danger) detector into overdrive.

7 – You can always change your mind. Always.

Nothing is forever. Right up there with «slaves must behave like this» lies another manipulative idiocy – or misconception at best: «there is no turning back from choosing BDSM». Well, guess what: you can even quit being the fucking pope, and no hidden kink police will come for you if you just feel like doing something else or nothing at all one day.

8 – You don’t have to pay for it

Or, better put, you sure can if you really want. As a matter of fact, wisely choosing the right professional will allow you access to exotic dungeons, exquisite outfits and probably to practical competence (just remember that oh-so-many “pros” are merely improvising dilettantes). But out there you can easily find lots of potential play partners free of charge, if you just put some effort into it.

9 – If you want your sex life respected, do respect the others’

Ever heard the saying «your kink is not my kink but it’s ok»? Deal with it: there are just about ten thousand ways to enjoy sex, and you are bound to meet some of them that you won’t like. Unless they are illegal, the sensible behavior in those cases is not to cast judgment and just not engaging with their proponents. It’s as simple as that.

 

There. What you have just read is the very least you need to always keep in mind when approaching BDSM. As I have written above, there is still lots more information for you out there, but these pointers will keep you safe of body and mind while you muster up the courage to actually browse all the manuals out there. Deal?

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I'm glad you like this article. This website contains many more - as well as books, podcasts and videos, helpful for enjoying unusual sexualities in a more conscious, ethical and fun way.

 

However, if you are struggling in this area right now, remember that as a coach I can help you achieve the happiness you deserve. My experience is at your service to work out together the most effective way to overcome any difficulty.

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