Welcome back to Don’t buy it!, my collection of the world’s most pernicious sex toys. We ended Part 1 in Japan, the country of nonsensical sex acts, giant robots and – of course – of…
Anime characters vibrators – $65 …of Hello Kitty, obviously, whose fame in Tokyo is second only to Doraemon’s, the robot cat on the right. As a matter of fact these vibrators are a classic since a decade ago at the least, but I had never mentioned them on www.ayzad.com before, so how could I let this opportunity go? The reason for such a high price is that the license to manufacture the Hello Kitty one was recalled many years ago, when the first scandal about this object broke out. The very next day the street price had increased threefold… yet there seems to be no shortage of them. Either they had giant warehouses full of vibrating cats, or they are fooling us.
Hyper dash rotor vibrator kit – $12 This is such a geeksome item that it’s a wonder it hasn’t appeared on The big bang theory yet. Do you know those model kits that as kids we used to build fragile military and science fiction vehicles that never quite looked like they did on the box? Of course you do, as they do in Japan. In fact, this is their post-meta-ironic kit to assemble your own remote-controlled vibrating egg. I wouldn’t really recommend to use it for real, but the retro-kaiju illustration alone is worth the price.
Oral sex light – $7.05 While the Far East knows how to make fun of its own madness, the other half of the world has a very different sense of humor. The same of your odd uncle who only pops up for family reunions, and drops an embarrassed chill on the whole room whenever he tries to be funny. Like with this: a mini-light to clip to your ear to better find where to lick in the dark. And the saddest part? It is not a joke at all.
Lactating mother breast milk lotion – $12 Let’s make another example of this cultural difference between the Land of the Rising Sun and the United States. Here we are in Japan: a marketing office has run a survey, found out there is a certain number of human milk fetishists out there, and quickly produced this huge bottle of sex lube simulating breast milk in color and smell. Even without sharing the same mania, twelve dollars are all it takes to make everyone happy. Now let’s move to America…
Inflatable lube wrestling ring – $239 In the nation of Wall street and the Barnum sideshow there is another marketing office. It runs a survey, finds a certain number of people excited by mud wrestling, and quickly produces… a $19 inflatable kiddy pool equipped with a gallon of dirt-cheap lube. Then, cackling evilly at the thought of the “deviants” to exploit, it sets the price tag at two hundred and thirty-nine dollars, ten times what the stuff is worth. Well, the western sex toys industry largely works like this since the 1920s: scalping and scamming its clients, who would just like to have some fun.
Yojo sempai her small hands onahole – $20 Like I explained in the first, epic selection of absurd Japanese sex toys, talking about Eastern sexuality we must remember we are dealing with a very different cultural context from ours. Without an underlying Catholic moralism seeping into every thought, over there even the most extreme erotic fantasies are recognized as harmless if they are just imagined – also because what makes them dangerous is repressing them and turning them into obsessions. That’s why in Tokyo sex shops you can also find this sort of stuff, which is to say a little girl double handjob simulator. Horrible? Sure. Yet Japan has an extremely low rate of child abuse, compared to Europe. Food for thought, ain’t it?
Floral pattern pillow – $25 Oh, and you can think more comfortably on this themed pillow, sold online by a regular textiles store. You can’t imagine how much I’d love to watch the expression of those nice old ladies when they noticed the print after buying it.
Vicky panties – $ 131 Transvestites, rejoice! Why limit yourself to wear just a female attire, when the progresess of prosthetics industry allow you as easily to also slip into the other sex’s genitals? Truth to be told, the photo has a certain “serial killer” vibe…
Piggly Wiggly – $29.95 …that is however far less scary than this dreadful sex toy, which luckily seems to have been discontinued by every store on Earth. What sort of person must you be to invest your time and money into producing such an object?
Vampire fang onahole pre-awakening hard – $62 A fascinating side of the erotic toys industry is the hyper-excessive level of specialization it sometimes can reach. In this case, in example, manufacturing a silicone masturbation sleeve was not enough: it had to be a mouth simulator, including a special internal sculpt to create a sucking effect. The designers didn’t stop at a generic mouth though… for some unfathomable logic, they preferred a female vampire’s, teeth and all. However, since not many people enjoy scratching their best friend on pointy canines, this is a «teen vampire in pre-awakening phase» – meaning ‘not really pointy at all’. And if you are thinking only Japan can get this weird, on the other side of the ocean someone had in fact the very same idea, which you can see here.
Suarez nipple clamps – Kr299 Let me close on the most topical sex toy you could ever imagine: a pair of nipple clamps shaped like a biting Suarez, handcrafted by a Swedish shop. (Note for those reading this post in a few years: Suarez was a soccer player from the Uruguayan national team who during the 2014 World Cup bite the Italian defender Chiellini – and it wasn’t even the first time he did that). Well, I guess it is better to stop here and retain a bit of sanity. If you wish to discover more baffling sex toys, however, I suggest to check out this post, and this one.