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Gel strips and common sense

So… Was it just two days ago I complained about how the mainstream media always ignore “strange sex” news? Well, it looks like I stand partially corrected. When a sufficiently monstruous marketing budget is involved, they do cover this topic – a certain pseudo-kinky porn trilogy, in example, made headlines as soon as it was snatched up by the largest publishers worldwide.

This time it’s Masque, a so-called “sex enhancer” which is appearing pretty much everywhere from chick-sites to the evening news, forcing the reporters to use hilarious turns of phrases to talk about it. The purpose of these edible gel strips, you see, is to change the taste of sperm to make it yummier. Try saying that on prime time television. While you wonder how much the manufacturer had to pay to get such coverage, let me tell you why we are talking about it too.

First and foremost, Masque strips are indeed applying several innovative technology to sex. The delivery format comes from an advanced pharmaceutical patent… which is only really used for candies and fake Viagra, actually, but looks like something out of a Seventies dystopian science fiction movie. If you put it in your mouth it dissolves immediately, transforming into flavor without substance.
The flavors in question (strawberry, watermelon, chocolate and mango) are in turn another illusion, because the actual active ingredients are six flavorless enzymes designed to turn off some of your tastebuds. For about fifteen minutes after taking a strip you won’t be able to taste salt, bitterness and a few proteins – which is a science-y way of saying cum will feel slimey but not repugnant. Which brings us to the next consideration.

As I read the enthusiastic press reports, I couldn’t stop wondering what this was really about – beside payola, of course. I can’t recall ever “interacting” (ahem) with one, but are there really so many people out there who consider sperm so disgusting to justify such a product? And how do they cope? Abstinence from fellatio, sacrifice, panic whenever they have oral sex? I can’t imagine someone so squeamish to suddenly become so experimental to try alien gel strips before giving head.
But even this is beside the point. In fact, there are many easier ways to make sperm tastier: eating pineapple and fruit in general, stop smoking, following a vegetarian or otherwise healthy diet, exercising… exactly the sort of things you should do anyway – plus drinking diet sodas, as their sweeteners end up there too. And if you are the recipient, keeping a strong mint in your mouth has interesting effects for him too: just use a sugar-free one, as sugars foster genital infections.
And by the way, don’t spit. That’s what sommeliers do to better sample wines. If you really hate the taste, just take it deep and swallow, bypassing the tastebuds entirely. Your man will love it, and you won’t have to resort to weird “enhancers”. What’s so bad about enjoying real chocolate and strawberries the normal way, after you had sex?

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