Newspapers and websites worldwide are trembling in faux-shock for the “unexpected” news about the upcoming 50 shades of Grey-branded sex toy line. The admittedly stylish bunch of items includes blandly named ‘massage wands’ and Inner goddessben-wa balls, and will reach your local mall just in time to end up under lots of Christmas trees. Although most people will buy them out of a fad and as “jokes”, I honestly believe that this might trick many anesthetized couples into adding some much-needed spice to their lives, and this is good.
However, it sure isn’t good enough for kinky veterans like my readers, so let me introduce you to the weirdest sex products I discovered in the past week. This is going to shock you, trust me…
Hentai “tentacle rape” and dragon dildos
Tentacle porn has been a mainstay of Japanese anime for ages now, so it was just a matter of time until somebody did the logical thing and produced actual squid monster dildos. Bad dragon manufactures just that, plus a whole slew of other fantasyappendages including aliens, werewolves and the titular dragons. Of course, don’t forget adding a few buckets of dragon sperm to your order.
Fetish bunny hood
You will need to access the adult area of YouTube to watch it in action (with a carrot dildo!), but the perfectly safe for work video is several orders of magnitude more surreal and hypnotic than Gangnam style and you don’t want to die without having seen it. And wondered – at length – what the story behind it is. Of course you can also buy one, but the carrot is not included.
If you have ever been to Thailand you will remember the strange sight of fully covered and gloved people baking in the sun under giant brimmed hats. That was not for hygienic reasons or to avoid mosquito bites, but because the local culture equates a tanned skin with rice farmers and their humble, thankless manual toil. A fair skin is considered fashionable and classy, hence… this intimate cream with whitening properties. You wouldn’t want to be rustic down there, would you?
Differently fashionable male swimsuits
Yes, you are allowed to use your favorite Borat joke here, as Koala Swim products leave the dreaded “mankini” in the dust for sheer absurdity and – for crying out loud – ugliness. As a matter of fact, I had to search quite a bit to find a somewhat presentable picture because their whole collection is a nightmare of unconceivable vulgarity. Given that the rest of their website deals with goofy BDSM-like items, I guess that this was supposed to be the male answer to exhibitionists’ swimwear brands, yet the words ‘epic fail’ have never been more appropriate.