INDEX
Introduction
The incomplete narrative
Starting over, as protagonists
1 – THE CONTEXT
The power of archetypes
An extension of sexuality, not a replacement
Introspection, not performativity
Myths, not roles
Edgework, not comfort
Freedom, not conformism
Exploring, but toward a goal
The inevitable question
In the words of… Il Professore
How we got here
The desperate persons’ sex positivity
Previously, on…
In the words of… Gabriella
BDSM culture today
The rusty social networks
Overton’s porn
Online information
Social meetups
Getting our hands dirty like adults
In the words of… Marco T.
Authentic BDSM
Twisted motivations
Reclaiming control
Processing trauma
Managing social and sexual abuse
Escaping depression
Social shortcut
Seeking attention
Shielding from sexuality
Toxic Romanticism
Gender-based revenge
Self-pity
Confronting fragility
In the words of… Martina e Andrea
Deep experience
«But that feels like work!»
Relief, not therapy
In the words of… Dara Luna
2 – A NEW APPROACH
The action plan
Online BDSM
Concise virtual bestiary
Online social spaces
Curating your online presence
Managing your privacy
Rules of engagement
Kink cloaking – vile people and how to spot them
Groomers
Image collectors
Blind dates
Proof of devotion
Plain con artists
In the words of… Mara
Kinky dating
Understanding desire
And what about those who already have a partner?
Avoiding dangerous people
Abusers
Relationship vampires
Casanovas and Messalinas
Fake experts
Substance abusers
Performative kinksters
Obsessive romantics
Exploiters
Self-destructive types
The true predators
Deviance weaponization
Distinction blurring
Limits erosion
Reality redefinition
Gaslighting
Distortion of TPE
In the words of… King Culino
Red flags – The warning signs
Before meeting up
Standing within the community
During negotiation
Consent violations
Domineering approach
Manipulation
Incompetence
After the encounter
Green flags – Meeting with optimism
Communication and consent
Negotiation
Managing the relationship
Emotional maturity
Competence
Respect and care
Public image
In the words of… Lorenzo
Building the perfect relationship
Attachment theory
The non-monogamies paradox
When theory clashes with reality
In the words of… Menodizero
«So what now?»
Defining the approach
Setting the boundaries of play
Drops and how to deal with them
Other relationship-saving recommendations
Partnership issues
Trapped in a role
Burnout from routine
When humiliation becomes too convincing
Amateur psychiatrists at play
Those adorable rugrats
Life on the stage
Damage from below
Ending a relationship
Preparation
Encounter
Rebuilding
In the words of… Mala Rossa
The community – Bad company
An imperfect tribe
Welcome to the community
Attachment disorders
Borderline personality disorder
Narcissism
Post-traumatic stress disorder and past trauma
Emotional dependency
The sleep of complacency breeds trouble
Restorative justice
In the words of… Matteo
The dark side of sex positivity
I principi della sex positivity
Bad influence
Twisted narratives
Self-validation
Founding mythology
Moral affirmation
Social affirmation
Talking the talk and walking wobbly
Grooming
Bad teachers
A different kind of community
In the words of… Gwendolyne
Party time
Sex parties
Crossover events
Fetish parties
Play parties
Single-theme events
Behind the scenes
On the stage
Reputation
Coercion
Performance
How to ruin a kinky party
Choosing the right party
Membership
Reputation
Gendered pricing
Dress code
Communication
Content
Equipment
Safety
In the words of… Lepidottero X
Sex work
Two distresses walk into a bar…
When work hurts
In the words of… Giulia N.
Kink and queer (by Il Vescovo)
The queer roots of modern safety and consent culture
Other scenes: a history of bodies, clubs and resistance
Chemsex: prevention without judgement
A legacy of freedom and care
In the words of… Marta Jarvela
In closing
One last note…
Acknowledgements
Bibliography
