Illustration by PandaScimmia
The field of alternative sexualities is subjected – just like any other – to trends that are generally temporary, typically self-important, and usually harmless. Just to make an example: for a few years now, prostitutes who exchange rentals between colleagues in different cities to hunt for fresh clients have been pompously announcing they are ‘going on tour’ rockstar-like, damaging only their own dignity. Other times, using arcane jargon may be confusing – yet you have to agree that stuff like ‘kinbaku’ or ‘primal’ sounds far better than plain «I tie you up» and «we fuck», and it’s not surprising if someone flaunts technical terms to hopefully woe partners looking for something new.
Once in a while, however, truly distressing cases happen where the encounter of naïve arousal on one side and predatory manipulation on the other make certain erotic fads truly dangerous. So we saw the times of CNC (or ‘consensual nonconsent’), of findom, of blackmailing, of free use, and so on; all possibly intriguing practices if you like the genre, yet requiring extreme awareness to mitigate the concrete risk of potentially very serious consequences. The most recent trend, by the way, is especially insidious and too close for my comfort – so I’d better expound on that.
Beware of the coach
A small invasion is underway. Very peculiar “coaches” have been popping up all over the online spaces dedicated to sexuality, promising they’ll fix your life whatever your intimate issue is. From common erectile dysfunction to exoteric erotic hypnosis, you just have to pay a “special course” and they are going to teach you how to “unleash your potential”. So far, so (almost) good: although rarely discussed, sex has always been fertile ground for a whole industry of distress ready to cash on people’s fragility – and it was inevitable it would attract the kind of fake coaches you see all over social media.
Let’s take a brief pause: do you know what a coach is, precisely?
That’s it. We’ll get back to that later, but it is a fact coaching is something surrounded by lots of confusion and pretty little information… and some swindlers sneakily exploit that.
Moving into the context of alternative sexualities, you can see truly insane offers. Those who convinced me to write this article were, in a matter of weeks, a female “coach” for aspiring male slaves with a “personal growth” program of whippings and fistings; a male one accepting young submissive girls even for free, if they put their lives in his hands; a “life coach” ready to “bring out the sissy inside you” with an “online course” consisting in her scantily-dressed photos, and a “mental coach” specializing in cult-like pseudo-tantric retreats. And who knows how many others I missed.
Their common features are clear: they use the title haphazardly at best, they cater to naïve victims who often self-identify as obedient, and more importantly they haven’t a sliver of ethics to them.
I want to believe that very few people can fall for such shoddy traps, but in any case you can imagine my irritation with such predators. Especially because, unlike them, I really am a coach specializing in alternative sexualities, and I work very hard to help people better live their uncommon preferences. Just figure out how happy I can be of risking to be equated with scum like that.
However, not wanting to generalize, I have a proposal for you: down below you’ll find what you really have to know about coaching. Should you ever feel like you need a hand to achieve your kinky goals, before choosing a coach do yourself a favor and check the following Q&A; it will help you take and informed decision and possibly dodge a bullet.
How to choose a coach
Correct information is always handy – especially when it can help you to avoid ending up in the wrong hands. Therefore, here are the questions and the answers you sholuld keep in mind when choosing a coach.
What is coaching?
It is a specific type of consulting, with ethical rules and multiple years of well-defined and certified training. Coaching itself is just a method, to be integrated with specific studies in the field you want to work in. For example: a business coach must have a coaching certification and a certified knowledge of the financial/business field in which their consultancy is required.
Which qualifications must a coach have?
That depends on local laws. In most countries, coaching is an unregulated profession so anyone can call themselves one, even with no training at all. However, since as mentioned above qualifications in the required field are important, it is advisable to check those out at the least. For example: in my case you can find a proof of competence in the books I wrote, my teaching jobs and recorded decades of work in the field of kink.
What is sex coaching?
It depends on the coach’s training and specialization. Some of them work on self-esteem, relationship dynamics, body work, technique and toolwork, and so on.
And what about kink coaching?
That is a specific application covering every facet and peculiarity of alternative sexualities (and, to my knowledge, only John Pendal and I do that in Europe). Some examples are: managing uncommon desires or fetishes; finding ideal partners; approaching kink communities; enhance your couple relationship; mitigate consent or privacy violations; solve difficulties with specific practices or dynamics (polyamory, for one); learning or advancing kinky competences… but there are all sorts of requests, including some pretty curious ones such as dungeon interior designing!
What does the method consist of?
Conversations – even online – of course covered by professional secrecy. In general, you begin by identifying the desired outcome (which isn’t necessarily the stated one) and the obstacles. Then you define a strategy leading to the result in the shortest and most efficient way, you divide that path into clear steps, then you periodically check their efficiency and possibly fine-tune them until you achieve the desired result.
In case I have to spell it: sex work has nothing to do with it.
What is the difference with therapy?
Oversimplifying to a fault: a therapist normally follows a different method, that consists in finding the cause of distress, unpacking it and giving the patient the tools to take their path toward the goal. That is a great approach, yet it requires a somewhat prolonged work before you can reach a satisfactory level of well-being.
The point of coaching, instead, is to satisfy the client as quickly as possible so that they can better face any remaining causes of distress in therapy without feeling oppressed by them.
So can coaching substitute therapy?
That depends on the issue you are facing. In some cases it can, in others it is preferrable to do both, and in others yet it definitely cannot. A serious coach does not pose as a therapist, and suggests qualified specialists to the clients who need them.
If you want to learn more, here is a more in-depth FAQ.
