One of the questions I am frequently asked as a coach specialized in alternative sexualities is: «how can I convince my partner to try some new erotic games?» This article will provide you with all the answers you seek – but first, let’s take a closer look at the question.
That one sentence hides many assumptions and two key concepts to take into consideration. The first is that very «how do I?», as it only makes sense if you assume that making such a request requires some arcane strategy different from any normal dialogue between people in a relationship. The second interesting word is «convince»: it’s almost as if you are taking for granted that the other person is hostile to exploring new practices and situations, so they will surely reject the proposal. That would call for some sort of “sales strategy”, a way to bypass or break down their defenses, or a trick to force them into accepting something they would never dream of otherwise.
But are we sure this is how things really are? Sure, in some cases you might genuinely find yourself facing the proverbial “rubber wall” that adamantly refuses to consider certain options… but usually, the real problem is quite different and largely depends on the prejudices we’ve just laid bare in the way you approach the issue. Since recognizing the obstacle is the first step to overcoming it, try to ask yourself whether you are suffering from some prejudice too. And while you think about it, let’s see what might be causing it.
Facing the fear of the unknown
In sex as in other aspects of our lives, we often don’t realize that our worst enemy is… just ourselves. Taking some time for self-examination and understanding why we behave in certain ways helps to recognize what needs addressing. In this case, however, I’ll spare you the effort: the culprit is almost always fear. You have nothing to be ashamed of; it is normal to feel afraid of what has hurt us in the past already. Speaking of eroticism, it is rather common to have experienced embarrassing rejections or to have been teased for one’s “eccentricities”, or even to have been a victim of the distorted idea of sex that the surrounding culture has imposed on us since childhood. Hence, it’s easy to think that not being accepted is normal – but fortunately, it is not so.
Upon closer inspection, we are often way too self-conscious about how we look and dress, how we style our hair, our hobbies… let alone for our sexual preferences! And what if the person we love resented us? Hated us? Left us? All understandable anxieties – which do not take into account the fact that we are talking about the one person with whom we share the most significant intimacy. It would be a bit weird for them to treat us with the same lack of understanding as a stranger, wouldn’t it?
Maybe is the reason you doubt that your partner might reject you for something as innocuous as a simple proposal to play together that you just don’t know them well enough? If that’s the case, even better! This indicates an excellent opportunity to discover new aspects of each other, which is usually an exciting experience – and even in the worst-case scenario, it’s something you’ll have to do sooner or later anyway; otherwise, you risk building a relationship on foundations that could turn out to be dangerously fragile.
Or perhaps is there instead a bit of fear that they might accept enthusiastically… and turn out to be much more experienced than you? No one likes to feel inadequate to expectations, or maybe even lose being compared with an ex who mastered these same games. All these fears are more common than you think, but also unfounded. Unless you have made the mistake of posing as a super expert in something you are actually clueless about, the game will also be about learning everything – and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that!
But, above all, the most important question to ask yourself is this: if you want to try new things, who should you ask if not the person with whom you already share your sexual experiences? Doesn’t it sound absurd to fear the worst possible outcome instead of seeing it all as an opportunity to become even closer accomplices? Let’s worry about something concrete instead…
Proposing (and being accepted) in the right way
You know how you feel attacked when you’re minding your own business, and you’re suddenly stopped by a salesperson hunting for customers? Even if their product were truly ideal for your needs, being overwhelmed by a barrage of unexpected information and pressured to buy something usually triggers annoyance. And unfortunately, this is precisely the same dynamic that often occurs when someone finally gathers the courage and decides to propose their greatest erotic dream to their partner.
From the perspective of the one suggesting the new possibility, everything seems reasonable: after all, they know perfectly well the practices, scenarios, technical terms, mechanisms, and characteristics of that particular sexual variant. And it couldn’t be otherwise because generally, before discussing it with the partner, they have been fascinated by all that imagery, they studied and elaborated on it, and it has become integral to their dreams… but try to consider the scene from the other person’s point of view. For them, sexuality is what they are accustomed to, and perhaps they feel no need to change it. Yet suddenly, you come along asking them to do things they may never have heard of, or that they have only seen in barely arousing porn videos, or that have always been described to them as crazy, unpleasant, or even sick stuff. Now they see you excited, maybe using unfamiliar terms (“cuckolding”? “furry”? “dangling?”…) to describe something that would give you a lot of pleasure. A pleasure that, evidently, they have deprived you of until now…
In such a situation, it is inevitable for them to feel shocked, guilty, betrayed or even afraid. Almost always, when someone tells me that their fantasies have been rejected, it’s because they suddenly dumped their entire inner world onto their partner, presenting it only from their point of view. Keeping all this in mind, it is easy to understand how it is advisable to proceed differently.
First of all, do not frame the proposal as an extremely important need of yours or an internal drama to be confessed. The truth is that it is just a game: one of the many that can be played as a couple and that aims to make both of you feel good. Instead of imposing elaborate scenarios, simply suggest exploring this possibility together, seeing what form might best fit both parthers’ fancy. Better yet: emphasize above all the pleasure that your partner can derive from it, rather than focusing on yours. For example, «I think about your feet all day: take off your shoes so I can lick them!» certainly has less chance of success than « Did you know that feet are one of the most sensitive parts of the body? Some of their nerves are directly connected to the genitals, and I would love to learn how to pleasure you that way too. Would you like to try?” The message is the same, but what a difference in the approach!
The art of negotiation
Of course, it is certainly possible that even the nicest offer is rejected. If, however, you kept the tone of your communication that of a dialogue between lovers, you still have plenty of cards to play. To start, ask (and carefully listen to the answer) why the proposal did not appeal to them: maybe the problem is just a minor aspect, and you can play together in other ways. In fact: instead of insisting on your own specific fantasy, ask your partner to counter-offer a variation more to their liking. Just like in traditional sex, there is nothing strange in finding a point of agreement on what can best satisfy you both.
Is that specific fantasy an actual turn-off for the person you love? No problem: seize the opportunity to talk about what else excites them and to possibly discover another type of erotic game that you had never even thought about, but could be just as arousing! The beauty of a committed couple is to always explore together new things, discovering little by little what they like most, what less, and what could be nice to perhaps try together in the future. In any case, do not treat a possible rejection as the end of the world, or as something worth arguing about. Except in one case.
And if it ends up in a fight?
Every couple is a universe unto itself, communicating and reacting in its own way. It could even happen that a real incompatibility in how you approach sex grows to poison the entire relationship. Here, you can find yourself in two very different situations. If the disconnection occurs in an already established couple, maybe married or with children… well, before doing anything drastic you might want to turn to a sexologist specializing in couples therapy and seek help in finding a new harmony under the bedsheets. If, however, the stakes are lower… drop that person immediately, for heaven’s sake! This is not a matter of who is right and who is wrong: you simply are not made for each other in a very important aspect for a couple, and instead of harboring resentment and frustration, it is far better to seek a new partner among the nearly eight billion individuals populating the planet. I promise you will find many others you can happily share your fantasies with.
The truth is that today finding new partners is much easier than in the past, so it makes no sense to settle for someone who does not fully satisfy us. Use apps, the web, meeting opportunities, and with a bit of an effort, you will find your soulmate.
Also, online dating opens up an additional possibility. If the relationship with your partner is going great in every other aspects except for sexual preferences… talk about it and evaluate together whether it might be worth continuing the relationship and loving each other just as much or even more than before – but meeting other people to satisfy your specific erotic needs. If done openly, there would be nothing wrong with it, and it’s more common than you might think.
One last piece of advice? Remember that your partner too might have fantasies they haven’t dared to reveal yet. When the topic comes up, commit to listen to their proposals and do your best to fulfill them. I promise it will be much easier and fun for both of you.
